tired...

i do not know what came over me for the past few days especially monday night. I was heading down to my platoon chalet at the national service resort & country club and i started to have flash back of what happen on that night when i went there for my god sister wanyu's 21st birthday with her. I did a small gesture and she was mad with me. It was really my fault and i should have been more sensitive towards it. And later for the night, i almost let my emontions went wild, i suddenly felt like breaking down in front of my friends. Luckily i didn't. After struggling for some time, i message ashley my thoughts and with her encouragement i went ahead of what i wanted to long ago but only ended up with lots of disappointment.

feeling down, i called ashley to have a chat but only to end the call due to poor reception. And the rest of the day was spent playing mahjong through out the night with my friends. But again, the only thoughts was the time i spent with her playing mahjong. Met up caren for movie yesterday and exchange some small chats. Told her what on my mind and hearing her out did make me feel alittle much better. Caren, if you are reading this, thank for the support u been giving me. I will set limit to it so don't worry too much about me.

I'm feeling so tired, this has been clinging to me for some time. From time to time i'm able to control myself for awhile but when this kind of times come and my emontions went wild, i'm shag out to the max with those thoughts running in and out of my brain and heart. Giving it up seems to be the right choice for me but i'm feeling so bad when the thought came to me. Is like telling me that i'm betraying her feelings. However not giving up, i'm feel as bad, letting down everyone who caring for me.

People has been telling me again and again, times heal. Does it? Or is it just an excuse which people use to comfort people? True, for some, times does heal the wound. Like for those who been through the 2nd world war, time has slowly heal their wound, but the feeling for the one they lost during the war doesn't change. For some, the hatred they had to the japanese does not stop. Time, if i would describe it, it would only be a heartless being. It just wish to move on and does not wait for the rest. When you ask for it to slow down, it would only tell you that all you can do is catch up and survive. Times flies but feelings does not change.

Let it go, my friends told me. They told me that they had let it go too when they were once like me. but did they really let it go? or did they just bury it down somewhere deep, seal it up, and choose to forget? What if some day, some one were to dig it up, open it and ask you about it? How would your reaction be?

I'm getting more and more negative in my thinking. I know it. But there some sense in it too if you were to think and look deep in it. What do you think?