For you...

This post is for the one and only you... My first meet with you happen on a boring night and we get to know each other through irc. I don't believe that a relationship will start through means like irc so i had the hope of just being friends, we exchange contact on that night. Our 1st meet up was on xmas itself. I couldn't believe myself that i'm able to get a date on xmas. We went for movie, follow by chit chat session at mos burger, desserts at 阿秋甜品, beef noodles at lai lai. When i 1st saw you, i was deeply in love with you. I told myself that i want you to be my girlfriend. Times go on and eventually we became a couple. I remember on the night just before you were to leave for malaysia, i told you that i really love you deeply and you would be my 1st and last girlfriend. I do really mean it, cause i do wish we could last long and end up getting married. Accident which happen on wan yu birthday make me realise that you really do care about me, and i mean alot to you. I truely enjoy myself with all the time i spent it with you, having those 心灵想通. It like so creepy... Haha

Is my 1st relationship and there lots of mistake which i made, i'm sorry to make you angry during those times. With you, i had my 1st valentine spent with someone who i love, is was a simple celebration but i was drown with happiness. Words simply cannot describe how i felt when i was with you. With you around, i believe i can overcome any problems, any negative thoughts i had would be come positive. No matter how shag i am during my training i would push myself through just like what i did during the training on valentine's day itself.

Blame it on my awareness... i didn't realise things start to change on you. You were getting cold towards me and i blame it on me being too shag from my training. I simply ignore it and didn't realise what was coming for me. That day came and you told me you wanted break up. I sort of knew it from the tone when u tell me. In fact, i had dreams of you asking for a break up 2 days before you told me but i just ignore me. Yesh believe it or not, deva ju, that what they called. I always had this kind of dreams and that one of the reason why i'm so deeply in love with you. I realised i had dreams of meeting you, dreams of places we go to when we are together and they all came true. Dream of breaking up was a shock for me and seriously i was scared and i prayed that it will not come true but eventually you break the news to me.

Life after the break up was bad, i started to have lots of thinking. Start to distance myself from everyone. I don't know how to break the news to my family when they ask about you. I cried to sleep every night thinking of you. I wanted to patch up with you, wanted to go look for you, but i was wishy washy, couldn't make up my mind. Scared that you will be irriate by me, i back up. I was such a loser, wanted to patch up with you and yet i didn't know what to do. There was times whereby i really wish i could end my life for without you in my life, is all black and white, no happiness, nothing but only sadness. All i could do was to finish up the diary which i had been writing and give it to you as a last gift. Finally it was done and i gave it on the day i left for my oversea training. I requested to take a last photo together but you rejected me and it left me only to realise that you are attached. Forcing myself to hold my tears, i left the place sadly. But i couldn't hold it anymore when you message me saying i'm silly for spenting so much on it and you told me that you understand how i feel. Do you really? It doesn't matter now...

I'm sorry that i had been harsh on my words when i sms you when i'm at thailand. I'm such an idiot for giving you the chance to ignore me by asking if you need me to stop contacting you. I'm sorry. I wasn't in the right state of my mind. Then it was till 4 days before national day, i couldn't control myself and went to your place to look for you, waited for 2 hours plus and you finally turn up. I wanted so much to hug you tell you how much i missed you, how much i love you but i'm just too happy to see you after so long. With that short pause, you went up home and all i got was a chat with you over the phone. You decided to told me the truth that you ain't attached back to jason you ex boyfried and you found yourself a new boyfriend. I couldn't believe my ears and came more hurting truth... Sad and speechless, i went home.

I keep on telling myself that i don't believe you are attached till i saw you and your boyfriend together. So i keep on holding on that small hope that i still stand a small chance to patch up with you in future. That all which i had been clinging on to make sure i do the best out of myself in the current state. Finally my birthday is coming, despite all the warning from friends i still go ahead with what i wanted. I hope that you would spent my birthday with me. You told me that you like yam cake so i order a yam cake with lots of your favorites whip cream. Tried to call you to let you know that i wanted to meet you but you wasn't at home so i message you but you didn't reply me. Still i go ahead. Waitied for you and seeing that you didn't turn up, i decided to wait for you at your place. After long hours of waiting, you are finally back, in someone car. Ya, your boyfriend. I was rooted to the gound and all i could do was to wait for your boyfriend to leave before i chase up the stairs to call for you. However all i had was the closing of your door. Maybe if not for the fall, i would be able to see you. Is it that hard to reply me? Telling me that you don't wish to meet me? Or can't you pity me give me a little happiness by spenting my birthday with me? All i request was a short 15 min with you, cutting my cake with you, let you had a share of cake. Is that really that hard even if you are attached? I really don't what to say.

Well... Since you are attached now, i shall not disturb you anymore. I sincerely wish you all the best with you boyfiend. Hopefully you will find the happiness in him which you don't find it in me. I will slowly make myself step out of the picture and not stopping you searching for the happiness you always wanted. If both of you were to get married, i do hope i would be invited ya? Even't if i'm not, i wish you all the best. God bless the both of you with happiness. Thank for that short, happy, loving 1 1/2 months that you spent it with me.Lastly, is my birthday, can i have one 1st and last birthday wish from you? Take care...

Yours Sincerely,
Xavi